over it?

in the last two years, i’ve often caught myself thinking i’ve finally forgiven someone, that i’ve reached the proverbial “i’m over it” point. it feels good for a few moments, ya know? it seems like my heart is back to normal, and that i won’t ever again revert back to a feeling of dread each time i think about how i was wronged. well, i’ve never remained that way. some memory will eventually lead me back to that day i can’t shake, and a spark of anger emerges once more. why do i continue to hand over power like this? why am i spending more energy on that moment than the one who did the hurtin’?

so my question to y’all is: how do you know when you’re “over it,” that you’ve finally and fully forgiven someone? have you experienced this release, or are you like me – unsure of how to accomplish it and searching for the seemingly simple answer?

“forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal that has crushed it.”  // mark twain

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6 Comments

Filed under anger, forgiveness

6 responses to “over it?

  1. This is the question I’ve been asking myself on forgiveness in my life: Can genuine forgiveness sometimes encompass total isolation from the offending person forever, literally. I think so.

  2. i don’t know if forgiveness and being over it are synonymous. some aches and heart wounds, i won’t ever “get over”. the hurt will subside, sure, but when my life has been forever changed by someone’s sin, i don’t think that’s something i’ll ever just be over.

    but forgiveness, to me, is a process. a journey. it’s definitely not a one-time decision. it’s one i have to repeatedly make, sometimes moment by moment… but gradually just day by day… and then without even fully realizing it, it’s a decision i don’t find myself needing to choose very often anymore. it’s the process of forgiveness taking over the space in my heart where the hurt resides. it creeps slowly, but that’s because there’s a lot of ground to cover. the roots of pain go deep, and the roots of forgiveness will take a while to get down to those depths.

    for me, the best gauge i have for where i’m at with forgiveness is how i’m able (or unable) to pray unreservedly for the person who hurt me. for the majority of this year, i wasn’t even able to pray for my husband. i just wasn’t. for a while, i didn’t even want to. then i began trying, and i couldn’t get out any words. only tears. then slowly the words started to come. short and simple at first, but it was a clear sign that my heart was changing. right now, my biggest challenge is wrestling with the verse that says it’s God’s kindness that leads us to repentance. i’ve been praying for deep conviction of the holy spirit to grip his heart, for him to realize the full weight of his actions and return to the Lord. and while those prayers are good, i feel the challenge to pray for him to be so overwhelmed by God’s kindness that his heart is led to repentance. shooooooooooooo…. the fact that i’m not there yet — that i still can’t put words to that in prayer (with full honesty and sincerity and faith — tells me i’ve still got a ways to go on this forgiveness journey. but the fact that i want to get there also tells me that i’ve come a long way on this forgiveness journey already. and that gives me hope that i’ll round the next bend as well.

    (as a sidebar, the cliche “time heals all things” is so not true. i’ve seen a lot of people with a lot of distance between them and their wounds… and it’s just festered underneath the surface. there’s no healing, only bitterness. resentment. anger. time doesn’t heal all things; only God heals all things.)

  3. I think alece said it best. Forgiveness is a journey. It took me 5 years to get over a very deep heart caused to me by someone I looked up to greatly. I knew I was over it, when I could look at them or hear their name without feeling any bitterness or anger.

  4. Forgiveness and Forgetting it are two different things.

    You may never forget it. You are not obligated to trust that person ever.

    But you can most certainly forgive others because Christ has forgiven you of all of your sins and transgressions.

    Take it to the next level: Not only has Christ forgiven you and washed away all of your sins but he has washed away all the sins committed against you. Anyone who has ever hurt you in the past, you are not define as that victim but rather more than a champion because He is our Christus Victor. That is the power and the beauty of expiation.

    With that truth known, you can go to God as His own and pray and ask that God would not pour His wrath upon the person that hurt you especially if that person is a non-believer. We can do this because we hope in Christ, God did everything to make things right with Him. No more pain. No more tears. No more heartbreaks. No more crying.

    • these stories and viewpoints are so encouraging!
      lemme ask y’all this: is forgiveness a somewhat harder road to walk down when that person is a believer, as opposed to a lost person? am i the only one who’s struggled with that aspect?

  5. Too bad we didn’t come equipped with a “get out of my head” buttons, eh?
    I think you know you’re “over it” when you can pray for blessings on the offender and mean it, and not be resentful when they are blessed.
    How to get to that point? It’s probably different for each person, but one thing that can help is being able to remind yourself that there are much better things ahead for you. Hanging on to a past you can’t change will hinder your future.
    You may have to tell yourself (out loud) that you forgive the person everytime he/she crosses your mind, until you believe it. Words are very powerful.

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